Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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