Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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