All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
