I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
