apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
