I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
