Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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