Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
