this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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