found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
