I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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