what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
People in love make me want to vomit
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
