Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize