the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Randomize
