just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Randomize
