he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
