all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
