I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
How drunk are you?
Completed.
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