Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Randomize
