you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
