If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
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