i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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