Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Randomize
