fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
