Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
