I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Randomize
