What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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