You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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