you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Randomize
