nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
