Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
