i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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