your thong is hanging out like whoa
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Randomize
