Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
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