Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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