Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
that's an acceptable place to lick
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
You dont lie about slip and slides
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
