I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
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