I wish I could teleport
I'm sorry that you just had your first misguided homo experience
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
