i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
