one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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