I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
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