I'm sorry my penis didn't work
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Randomize
