Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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