I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Someone shattered a urinal.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
