I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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