someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
