I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Randomize
