I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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