Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize
