I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
