Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
