I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
