I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
