Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
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