apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
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