And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
We got so high we made milksteak
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
