Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
