I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Randomize
