dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
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