You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
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