I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
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